THE MALOUDA FLIPShe asked me, “Baby, do you love me?”I said, “You bet your sweet ass I do! In my own ways, yes I do.”She ponders for a bit, then says… “Do you see yourself marrying me?” Is that question even asked?!A man goes down on one knee and asks a lady to marry him; she says yes, and they have a wedding to plan. This one now… what was the point? Do you see yourself marrying me kwa? Would the answer to this question have any bearing on what is to come? If I say No, would that alter the love and respect we have for each other at the moment? And if I say yes… wouldn’t I still have to say it again and again… in which case the one I say now becomes irrelevant? I mean… tell a girl a million times today that you love her, when tomorrow comes, you have to recite again. So…I looked at her and said… “Now wait a minute, shawdy; don’t do a Malouda flip on me meehn!” “What?” “Don’t do me like that…”Making her face like she didn’t know what I meant, she asked me what a Malouda Flip means.
I was like… “Are you for real?? You dunno wha a Malouda Flip is?!”Her eyes said she was for real. So I composed myself to educate her at some length. And to educate all you lil lasses out here who don’t follow global trends and so don’t know what a Malouda Flip is…The boy Flourent Malouda lived in London, and played football for Chelsea FC. Talented like the great Brazilian duo of Rivaldo and Adriano put together, he felt his place in the squad was 8 – just in behind the 9 – and not the 11 where his coaches often deployed him. He didn’t like 11.With a year to run on his Blues contract, he started to make his friendship with some Italians too obvious for London comfort. The Italians promised to marry him, and afford him the requisites to excel like Adriano before.
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Malouda was excited, and already started living in London like he was in Rome… only for the marriage plans to collapse.When the marriage window slammed shut, poor old Malouda flipped back into love with London, but they were no fools.Forced by his contract to stay in that marriage for a year, they covered him in shrouds and kept him behind closed doors. They fed him unplanned rations, and didn’t waste their gym facilities on him. Just as you would expect, he got fat, and there was not much beauty left in him after twelve months. Meanwhile, other maidens had sprung up from all over the world, and Rome was too embroiled in the pursuits of one chica, Pogba, and another, Vidal, to even notice that their lost love was back on the radar.That was how Malouda flipped into obscurity because he was senseless. I mean… while you’re in a relationship other guys can quietly and, maybe, secretly, come and shadow you.
Your boo may get wind of it, but he won’t mind much, cuz he knows if he treats you right you staying. Plus, he knows that even he himself shadows others… Look, in this life, we all want better; and while every shawdy is great, it takes a Torres to flourish in Liverpool, and a Costa in Chelsea. And blest is the manager who is able to discern, from the potpourri of maidens in the market, which is his rollerCosta! I turn to look at ma shawdy and drive home the point of my lecture, but found her not. We had been sitting on a slab at the lake with our legs in the water. First I made sure she hadn’t slipped and drowned. No? Good.
She had vexed and gone. Now I didn’t know why: if it was cuz she got the message, or cuz I’d fallen into another football trance yet again. She hates it when I do.But please help me check am nah… Doesn’t football have a lot to teach us about life? Is it okay for a shawdy to do the Malouda flip? We gon get two examples now, don’t worry. Cuz leaving me I knew she was going to that stupid Obinna of a boy.
Obinna can’t handle her shi*, really. And she keeps walking away from me, she gon be back to square one fore she knows it. Or, like her boyfriend Malouda, fade into obscurity.Word’s nuff for the wizzy!